Whether you’ve been forced out of mainstream schools or educating them yourself was always the plan; when you’re raising a child with PDA, home education can feel like the best choice AND an unfathomable responsibility. Fortunately, everything is made easier if we can align our mindset with our reality and learn to trust the innate curiosity of our children. 

Think you’ve got your mindset sussed but looking to gain confidence as you start out? Read how to homeschool a pda child without power struggles.

Why is ‘school thinking’ such a problem and why is it so hard to shift?

‘School thinking’ is the lens most of us were raised on. Children go to school, children learn in school, and children need school. When we believe this to be the only truth, we associate everything that school entails to be the only way. If, as we’ve been taught, school is the only way to learn, then learning requires restrictive, highly scheduled, highly-managed practices. It requires time tables, staying still and quiet, and being told exactly what to do and how to do it. It requires an adult to tell us exactly what to learn and when.

When we pause to think about it, it’s easy to see this can’t be true. As adults, we learn new skills and knowledge all the time, when we want it and in a way that best suits us. Videos, blogs, podcasts, conversations with others… We might learn when we’re having a bath, taking a jog, watching a film snuggled up on the sofa. But when it comes to carrying the responsibilities of our children’s education, it’s easy to fall into believing we must do it the school way…

One of the difficulties we face with accepting that there are other approaches to learning is that we have to accept that perhaps we could have been allowed more fun, more freedom, and more opportunities to learn about things we really cared about as children ourselves.

For some home educated children, a school approach sees them thrive. For others, it works but is unsatisfying. For many PDA and other neurodivergent children, it’s not only unsatisfying, it’s traumatising. When expectations, instructions, and strict routines cause nervous system triggered distress – we have no other choice but to try something different!

What is ‘Deschooling’ and what does it mean for PDA Home education?

‘Deschooling’ is a period of time to decompress, readjust and rebuild trust as you and your child shift from a school way of learning to the home education approach that works for you. It’s a period of time where you forget about ‘academics’ and focus on connection, play, and enjoying life. It’s something you can do as a family when you take your child out of school, or something you can pay attention to as you start approaching home education with your child from the very start.

What if my child falls behind?

This is a common concern when it comes to deschooling. But rest, play and connection are not wasted time for children, especially PDA children. These essentials build safety and heal. They’re what’s required to reduce tensions and meltdowns, and increase the likelihood of curiosity, creativity and learning.

All children learn best when they feel safe, and PDA children require autonomy to feel safe.

Working at their speed, without pressure, encourages the fastest progress – even if that progress is sudden and on a very different timeline from their peers.

Letting go of shoulds

‘Shoulds’ are a demand to children with pathological demand avoidance. Which means they increase anxiety, restrict capacity and act as a layer of guilt for you when they’re not achieved. When you’ve yet to shift your mindset, homeschool ‘shoulds’ look like:

• You should finish this page
• You should do this workbook
• They should ‘study’ at a table every day
• We should to go to this group
• We should be socialising every day

‘Shoulds’ often come with the best intentions, but reframing them can be helpful. This might look like:

• We could return to this another day
• Perhaps there’s another way to learn this
• What matters most is safety and connection right now

How to get a new mindset to stick?

Being on board with the idea of letting go of school thinking, and actually adapting a new mindset you live by, are two different things. Feeling confident in a new approach likely won’t come instantly. And even years in you may face doubts. Here’s how to boost the likelihood you’ll start to believe school isn’t the only way…

• • Speak to home educators and unschoolers who do things differently – whether that’s online or face-to-face, sharing experiences is a great way to gain confidence in your choices
  • Learn more about the benefits of child-led learning – there are various brilliant books and videos about unschooling. This is a useful resource.

• • Get observant – start paying more attention to your children. What they talk about, what entertainment they seek out, what questions they’re asking. The more attuned you are to your children the more you’ll notice all the amazing ways they’re learning in their own way. 

• • Practice what you preach – raising PDA children can be very triggering. They have an incredible way of highlighting where we’re being contradictory. Like encouraging them to learn, explore and create when we’re not doing it ourselves… When we learn and grow together, not only does it strengthen family bonds, it allows us to experience for ourselves how invigorating learning can be outside of school. 

• • Be kind to yourself – you’ve got years of unlearning to do yourself, and this can be a hard journey, filled with emotions, comparison and doubt. Try not to berate when you slip into school thinking, even when it doesn’t work for your child. 

Letting go of school thinking is an act of trust when PDA home education or homeschooling is a necessity. Remember, you don’t need to be a teacher. You are a facilitator, on the same exciting journey of discovery. Embrace flexibility, embrace connection, and watch the magic that unfolds.

This post is based on personal understanding and lived experience. It does not speak for every PDA individual and is not a substitute for professional or medical advice. For other recommended reading on PDA, head to the further resources page.